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One thing I learned from TV - don't open the door if you hear creepy music

Last week’s blog sparked some interesting responses. So many of you got back to me with what you yourselves had learned from TV and the movies, that this week I’m adding five more.

Obviously, I’m not the only one who believes the silver screen is the fount of all wisdom.

In no particular order:

Five more things I learned from TV (and movies)

1. Don’t open the door if you hear creepy music

@patricialeslee makes the very valid point that far too many people don’t use their ears. In movie after movie, the hero or heroine ignores those ominous violins and opens the door to… who knows what horror lies outside? Well, we do, because we listened.

“People!” she advises sternly. “If creepy music has started to play and someone knocks on the door – run and hide!!”

@tendayi_olga makes the more general point that her own soundtrack sadly “doesn’t include the ominous music which would help avoid poor life decisions.”

Maybe Tendayi. Or maybe you just don’t have the right Spotify playlist yet.

2. The dishes will be done for you overnight

This only applies to the world of Disney, sadly, as pointed out by Maressa Mortimer (@vicarioush.ome).

“I have waited for years,” she sobs, “but never have my dishes been done overnight.” Nor indeed have her kids’ socks been mended…. So disappointing.

Clearly, she’s been employing the wrong kind of au pair.

3. Don’t watch horror movies when pregnant

Warns @JoyMargetts. “Or at any other time actually,” she wisely adds.

This one is very important. Especially if you are young, And particularly if having enjoyable sex. Young people having fun between the sheets – or elsewhere, come to that – are certain to die a horrible death very soon.

(Boring, married sex is probably safe, but turn off that creepy music, just in case.)

As a side issue, Joy, I’d also avoid the rather strange woman with yellow eyes in the flat next door who offers you oddly-coloured herbal smoothies when you go into your third trimester.

And two more of mine, that didn’t make last week’s cut:

4. The delivery guy isn’t

That nice chap who rang the doorbell? Take care. He’s probably not who he says he is. Taking in a delivery of pizza or your latest purchase of paperbacks is normally the kind of scene that would hit the cutting-room floor at speed.

So, as you answer the door, ask yourself why. Why is this friendly bloke suddenly worth taking up screen time?

Obviously, because he’s really a rogue CIA hitman and that’s a silencer in his pocket.

The solution is to think quickly: create a different but plausible dramatic reason for him being featured in the story.

For example, you could be very rude to him. Shouting how you despise anyone who would work on a zero-hours contract, followed by slamming the door would probably do the trick.

Of course, you may find yourself blacklisted by delivery services as time goes on.

5. Nobody stays in the car when told to

How did I forget this last week? You tell someone to stay in the car. Maybe you’re going to meet a gang-leader or walking into a trap set by the renegade CIA assassin. You tell your wife/small child/friendly neighbourhood tramp/pizza delivery guy to stay in the passenger seat. Under no account must they leave.

What do they do? Give them about thirty seconds and they’re out, exploring that darkened alleyway or creaking staircase, as if they haven’t heard a word.

It’s a toss-up as to whether they get themselves into worse trouble, or save your skin, but that’s not the point.

Was it so difficult to just stay in the frigging car?

Of course, there’ll be times when you yourself are told to stay in the car. In that case, I recommend giving it thirty seconds before you go after them.

After all, you’ll probably save their skin.

Thank you all for your contributions and keep them coming.

(PS: I think someone at The Guardian must read my blog as this Tuesday’s edition had Stuart Jeffries saying “And another thing… I am sick of people being sick on TV….”. You saw it here first).

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10 things I learned from the movies and TV