Just the other day a truck drove past me
advertising potato crisps – gluten-free.

Man with carrots - also gluten-free - as developed by HISSIFIT (The Harris Institute for Social and Self-Improvement For Individuals and Teams)
FreedomFood: Non-hydrogenated carrots as developed by the HISSIFIT labs

Very commendable. There was only one problem. In my universe potatoes are automatically gluten-free.

That’s how they grow.

There was only one thing to do:


A rapid phone call followed, to the busy scientists who beaver away in my basement for the good of all, under HISSIFIT (The Harris Institute for Social and Self-Improvement For Individuals and Teams).

This revealed that, while the humble potato does indeed contain no gluten, our unrivalled food industry giants have found ways to add it to crisps – usually through use of additives.

If that fails, then a touch of cross-contamination will do the trick.

An idea began to grow. Here was a wonderful opportunity for HISSIFIT to help the world: an idea second only to the TwoFaced Reader  (TM) of recent memory…


Gluten-free water

I descended to our basement laboratories, and my white-coated geeks immediately set to work.

Animal-Fat-free Cola was our first FreedomFood creation (TM), and a great success it was too.

Forget all your fatty colas of yesteryear (which never existed).

Now you can drink your favourite teeth-rotting beverage free from the worry that one day some manufacturer might sneak lard,  dripping or even full-fat cream into the brew.

Free samples

We will be handing out free FreedomFood samples to all the street this week in time for Christmas and Chanukah; and rolling out (as befits the slightly rotund nature of some of our food tasters) to the city and the country at large early next year.

And don’t imagine that my white-coated angels are resting on their laurels.

On the immediate horizon we see gluten-free water, carb-free nail-varnish, lead-free wholemeal bread, cocaine-free chocolate cake, non-hydrogenated carrots and low calorie air.

(This last was foisted on us instead of “calorie-free”. The jobsworths of the Free Regulatory Council said they couldn’t trust our consumers not to breathe in the occasional fruit fly or mite. You see what we’re up against?)

No-Worry Food

Anyway, the revolution is coming. Soon you’ll be able to sit down to a healthy all-day breakfast of soya-free fried eggs, dairy-free bacon, sugar-free chips and alcohol-free black pudding, with a good dollop of nicotine-free ketchup on a cholesterol-free plate, washed down with asbestos-free beer.

And feel all the better for it.

Merry Christmas and a Healthy New Year.

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