A happy customer using ARS on her phone - your social media problems solved by Charles Harris of HISSIFIT

Having a problem keeping up with your social media demands? No time to tweet? Embarrassed at sending out-of-fashion-emojis or misunderstanding the meaning of LOL?

My personal development lab – The Harris Institute for Social and Self-Improvement For Individuals and Teams (HISSIFIT) –  has come up with the solution…

ARS – the Automatic Relationship Social app.

ARS – Your social media problems solved automatically

Download ARS onto your phone and it will immediately spring into action sending out all those tweets, Facebook postings and Instagram photos that you simply don’t have time to do yourself.

All you have to do is make sure that your phone’s camera is not obscured. We don’t want to treat the world to a series of pictures of the inside of your handbag or rucksack.

Poking up out of your front or back pocket will do fine. Or with our special ARS lanyard you can hang your phone or tablet proudly round your neck.

Once the camera is in place, and able to view the world, ARS will automatically take appropriate pictures as you go about your daily business.

Cuddly animals to holiday envy

ARS’s machine-learning recognition software will automatically take pictures in a genre that you select from the ARS dashboard.

For example, if you choose Cuddly Animals (a popular one) it will seek out any small cats, birds, dogs, etc that you happen to pass. It will then crop and adjust the picture, and add an appropriate auto-generated message.

Finally it will post the result to your favourite social media platforms at intervals to suit yourself.

You can adjust the timings from one photo a minute (for the social media high achiever) to one a month (for those who want to show that they are still online but far too blase to be sharing regularly).

Special randomising software schedules the posts at irregular intervals, to give that all-important personal feel.

Celebrity mode

Many genres are on offer, from Food & Drink, to Passing Strangers.

While Holiday Envy (another popular genre, only $5 a month extra) will download shots of exotic holiday destinations.

And Auto-Selfie-Select (ASS) will add your own picture seamlessly into the photo at only a small further cost.

For our gold star subscribers, Celebrity Mode will even insert random shots of any A-listers of your choice.

This only goes to prove…

I’m particularly proud of the message generator which you can set to write messages in a wide range of styles from family friendly to self-mocking to edgy. “Name-dropping” is a particularly good seller.

And choosing Brexit or anti-Brexit, Trump or anti-Trump will ensure that every picture is given the appropriate interpretation, with lines such as “This only goes to prove…” and “What did I tell you?

The message generator will also add a selection of trending hashtags, emojis and abbreviations. (We keep these up-to-date – banishing out-of-fashion-emoji-embarrassment-distress forever.)

New features

Nor will we at HISSIFIT rest on our laurels. Indeed, we are continually developing new features.

Trolling is being trialled at the moment by a few chosen customers. This automatically gets into arguments, making unsolicited and controversial comments on a range of on-line forums.

And we plan to offer auto-trolling as part of a future upgrade. This feature will regularly insult you in turn – for customers who feel embarrassed that they are somehow not important enough to be subjected to online hate.

In short

We are sure that ARS will solve all your social media needs, saving you hours and hours of wasted time. ARS will allow you to get on with your life, even as your phone tells everyone else what a wonderful life you might be having.

Available from all disreputable online stores.

Further reading

Ukraine elected a comedian president – so what do politicians think of voters?

Who’s afraid of the Maybot? John Crace’s I, Maybot, reviewed for the Library Corner