Jeremy Clarkson in his car - Jeremy Clarkson has the virus by Charles Harris

I can finally reveal Jeremy Clarkson has contracted the virus CO2-19. He had it before and it was thought that he’d recovered, but last week it became obvious that he had succumbed to a second wave.

CO2-19 is a highly contagious and potentially fatal virus that, scientists estimate, infects up to 80% of the world’s population. Symptoms include a virulent love of petrol engines, leaf-blowers, outdoor heaters, long-haul flights and indeed anything that creates CO2.

As a renowned petrol-head, Clarkson shocked the world last November by becoming the UK’s most famous sufferer to report that he was now clear of infection.

Horrified when he saw a dried-up river when filming in Cambodia he declared “It’s the first time that we’ve ever admitted to there being global warming. It was alarming, genuinely alarming.”

(Nice of him to use the royal “we” there, in case we thought he was just an ordinary bloke).

Jeremy Clarkson second wave

But scientists have expressed fears that immunity from CO2-19 may not be permanent and in an article last week headed “…society’s about to collapse and the greens just can’t stop smiling” their fears were justified.

After remarking that world lockdown meant that we could breathe clean air again and see fish in the now-blue waters around Venice, he went on to accuse the Greens of celebrating the fact that people are dying across the planet.

Of course, that is precisely what the Greens have always wanted – but it took a man of Clarkson’s insight to realise it.

The very people who are constantly vilified for being softie snowflakes who care more about the future of humanity than whether a car can accelerate from 0-60 mph in an nanosecond, are exactly the people who would be cheering mass death.

The Greens, accused of having bleeding hearts, are naturally rejoicing at the demise of thousands across the planet.

How come none of us ever realised?

Or to put it another way: it’s not true. Which begs the question: is he stupid enough to believe it’s true? Or did he just make it up? And if he did, why?

I leave you to decide for yourselves. But if he can find a senior Green who is on record for applauding the fact that swathes of people are dying, I will happily tattoo “I love petrol engines” across my chest.

Trashing the economy

Later in the article, he accused Greens of being happy that the economy is being trashed.

Here, I can see he almost has a smidgeon of a point: the Greens are doubtless pleased that we are doing a lot less of all the stuff that is bringing on the demise of the human race. Albeit temporarily.

But, again, he has, as usual, missed the point. (I hope he’s more accurate with his driving).

Because it is the Greens who have been warning for the last zillion decades that if we don’t sort out the way we do things, the economy will collapse, like it or not.

And saying we need to plan ways of ensuring that it doesn’t collapse. But I suppose Clarkson has been too busy revving his throttle or whatever he does to have time to actually think about what he writes.

Lethal pub visits

The fact is that we ignore warnings at our peril. Coronavirus will look like a walk in the park compared to what will come if (say) continuing to feed antibiotics to animals on a mass scale causes all the antibiotics to stop working (imagine: no safe operations, rampant bacteria, childbirth becomes dangerous again…)

But then this is a man who considers his steak so important that allegedly hit his producer for not providing one.

Of course, there is a person who Clarkson could rightly accuse of promoting mass deaths. Someone who wrote that he’d prefer to bring back polluted air if it meant he could drive to the pub again for a glass of wine.

Given that 100,000 people die early in the UK every year because of pollution, that is one lethal glass of wine. I hope Jeremy Clarkson is quick to pillory the writer as soon as possible.

In case he missed it, the writer’s name is, er, Jeremy Clarkson.

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